Breakdown|Regret|Refuge

This last week was full of stressors for me.  Nothing extraordinary, just normal stress; a root canal, an unruly preschool fit of rage at church bible study (him, not me), no-so-exciting notes from teachers, hours spent on homework trying to grasp the concepts of math, so much laundry and a traveling husband.  Last night when that bucket of homemade slime hit the floor in my kitchen I hit my max when I should have hit my knees.  I didn’t yell at the kids BC I wasn’t mad at them at all.  I was mad at me. I started yelling at myself and all I had done wrong.   I’d nearly made it all week with self control and grounded faith, and then in an instant I let go of everything and released all my fears and struggles to run wild in my head. I ended up bawling my eyes out on the phone to my sister.  Thank the Lord for sisters, amen?  This morning I awakened full of regret and a barrel full of apologies to my husband, my sister, myself but most of all God. I should have run to him and no one else.  Honestly, I was overdue for an tear-laden breakdown, but my hope was to not have one at all in 2018.  Big hope, I know but one can only hope and pray.  We all have them, whether we post them online or not.  Our triggers are all different, perhaps yours is work related, money related or family drama.  I know what my trigger is and I can feel when I am walking too close to the edge  

So this morning I came to the only place I know to go to find peace and a a new start...my back porch.  I have a recliner out there with a small metal side table for my coffee, bible, books, journal.  It’s been too cold recently to enjoy my porch so I’ve been trying other spots inside.  They just were not the same for me.  This morning though, the weather was warm enough to retreat to my spot.  The birds were singing and scripture filled my head as I heard their joyful songs.   Life is messy and hard y’all, for everyone.  I get that.  But it’s so much harder when I try to control all of it and when I pounce on myself, so this morning I seek refuge.

Am I Enough: I Think I am Having a Stay-At-Home-Mom Midlife Crisis

Does anyone feel me when I say I am freaking out a little bit?  Okay, a lotta bit?  I am pretty certain I am in the middle of a stay-at-home-mom-mid-life-crisis.  Let me preface this post in complete #wannabereal honesty; I am seeing a licensed therapist/counselor to help me work through all of this and you should too.  Licensed counselors are incredibly helpful for so many reasons.

I'm not even kidding a little in the title.  This feeling of crisis is real and it had invades my life daily from the moment I awaken...and has been in my life four years now.  Here I sit, a college educated woman in the year 2017 and I spend my days and nights managing a household.  I meal plan, do the dishes, wash, fold and dry the laundry on the daily, plan family outings so we can make memories- other than sitting around the house staring at screens, direct homework and run carpool.  Then I wake up the next day and do the exact same thing...again and again.  I don't have a job out of the house, in the house or on top of my house within which I find self worth.  There are no bonuses, no annual reviews, no complimentary trips for a job well done.  Because of this I struggle with where to find my "atta-girls".  I have been out of corporate America for a decade now...a DECADE!  {Crazy talk}.  Am I representing the sisterhood well by being a submissive and doting wife, cheerleader to my children and captain of this suburban ship?  Or am I supposed to be doing more in the name of equality for the sisterhood, to prove my worth to this world?  {Oh, I think I just answered my own question...don't judge me...keep reading.}

For all my girlfriends who work outside the home and think I am just another spoiled and complaining SAHM: my job has its perks and I know it.  I wake up in pajama pants, make lunches in pajama pants, drive to school drop-off in my pajama pants.  {Don't act like you don't do the same thing}.  I shared this tidbit of truth with my mother last week and she gasped...an audible gasp.  I laughed out loud.  I do eventually change...into my workout pants whether I actually workout or not.  Those pants are sheer awesomeness.  They compress everything below the waist that reveals I am actually turning 36 this year and have carried three babies, and makes it all look perky, svelte and dare I say defined?  I walk in the doors at HEB with swagger, like "Heck yeah, check me out in my compression leggings! Oh snap.  Ignore my lack of makeup and hair chock full of dry shampoo for the last four days.  My butt looks fab in these pants!"  {Off topic Jenna...get yourself back on topic}.  I can take a nap on days when all my kids are in some type of school if I choose and I can binge watch my DVR in the middle of the day.  I don't do those things as often as you probably imagine I do, but I am sure I do them more often than you.  That makes me feel guilty too.

My dream since being a young girl was to become a stay-at-home-mom.  I wanted nothing more.  I wanted to be there for every moment of everyday and soak it all up like a well worn kitchen towel.  My mother is the hardest working woman I have ever met.  She worked because she had no other choice, but she never complained about it.  She took great pride in the work she did each day as a legal secretary and she was darn good at it.  She still works now actually, but not in the legal field.  I remember being a kid/teen and wishing my mom could stay at home more often with me.  I understood why she could not and I have never ever held that against her, but the desires of my heart as a kid fed into the desire of my heart as an adult to be at home raising my children as my career.  {It is a career regardless of what this world wants to call it}.  When the time came in my life, I cried and begged God for our first baby AND the choice to stay at home and raise her.  He answered my prayer after twelve months of fervent prayer and I've been home raising her and her brothers ever since.  It was ten years this last November.  I am eternally grateful that I have been at home to see everything, clean everything and pick up everything only to pick it all up again.  I am exactly where I want to be and getting a full-time job outside of this calling as a wife and mother is not for me right now.  Yet, I feel like I have lost my gusto.  The 26 year old version of myself that reveled in folding tiny baby laundry and taking daily walks to the local park with my adorable infant has been buried beneath a mound of tears, dirty diapers, tantrums, inevitable laundry, and school lunches.  I stare at myself in the mirror and can't help but feel like I've lost her. She is missing, and now I feel this pressure to do more and be more, as if I am not enough as a wife and mother in my mid-thirties.  

My life is filled with messages telling me I am not good enough because I do not have a career and I do not grind daily to bust wide open the glass ceiling above our heads.  I about lost my mind the day of the women's march across America and again during International Women's Day.  No one was there to represent me.  The stories I saw and/or read were all directed toward the women who want to be just like the men.  What a message to send to my daughter, that my choice to be a stay-at-home-mom to her and her brothers shows weakness and idleness in a world that demands I seek equality by only trying to be exactly like my husband.   God did NOT make me to be exactly like my husband.  Don't you feel it, see it, know that women and men are made vastly different?  We do not think alike, communicate alike, look alike or rationalize alike.  We were made to balance one another, compliment each other and sharpen each other in this life.  Speaking of my husband, he is currently getting his EMBA and his entire cohort spent the day praising the women that had the ambition to pursue admission into one of the most prestigious EMBA programs in the country.  That is awesome and I am proud of them also, but me not being a party of the program does not make me inferior to the women who are there.  They do not deserve any more praise or admiration on International Women's Day than I do.  Praise the stay-at-home-moms too.  What my husband's EMBA program does illustrate to me is that the men of this country are finally understanding that women are just as intelligent, driven and ambitious as they are; thereby, worthy to be given admittance to the top programs in the country regardless of their gender.  

The pressure of him being in such a program weighs on my shoulders often.  How do I compete with the resumes of his classmates?  As a SAHM I dread one question more than any other in this success-obsessed world... "What do you do?"  I actually had a man recently ask me this question and then proceed to tell me that he wishes he could trade places with his wife and stay home because he'd have so much "fun".  This career I have chosen is hard work.  I don't get into a silent car and commute to work each day.  I get in a giant SUV and manage the chaos in the two rows behind me every time I step into my vehicle.  I do not listen to the news, talk radio, top 40 or sports...I listen to music that is best for little ears and developing minds.  I do not have a company willing to purchase plane tickets and hotel rooms around the world for me to have a chance to experience any type of culture outside of this small town I am blessed to call home.  I do not have a resume rich enough to even convince a prestigious EMBA program to read more than my name and contact information, because I chose to sacrifice my career for the selfless title of stay-at-home-mom.  {How insane is that?  Where is equality in that scenario?}  I assure you I can hold my own, speak and write eloquently, and work a room better than most, but none of that matters.  I sealed my fate when I decided to raise children for a living.  

On International Women's Day I wanted so desperately to send my own message to the world that my calling to stay-at-home and raise up a daughter and two sons does not diminish my value as member of the female sorority or my worth in life.  Even with all this pressure and incessant doubt that I am not enough, I stand behind my choice.  I do not want to be anywhere else but next to my children drilling long division, driving to martial arts and filling the same lunch box requests every single day.  I CHOSE to sacrifice a career in corporate America, because the future of this world is rooted in the HOMES of America.  It does not begin in an office, conference room or lecture hall at a prestigious university.  The future of this world begins in the HOMES of this world where mothers stand over hot stoves and full sinks teaching children what unconditional love and selfless sacrifice look like each and every day.  In homes where mothers lay next to their babies while they suffer all night with a fever and stand next to their child in the shower washing off the vomit from baby fine hair and their bodies when the flu strikes and you need someone to hold you and tell you it will all be okay soon.  The future of this world begins in HOMES where mothers bow their heads in prayer for their children to be filled with wisdom and strength to maneuver this lust -driven and sin soaked world with discernment to know the difference between good and bad, right and wrong, and not to live a life governed by "Do what makes you happy", rather live a life governed by "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul mind and love your neighbor as yourself."  

It has actually taken me three months to draft this post.  I kept coming back to it week after week, editing it, adding to it as thoughts would come to me and never felt like it was ready to post; it wasn't yet time to send out into the infinite unknown so that you could sit here now, reading my words as they pour out like sweat and tears onto this screen.  I've realized that I have spent the last four years living in fear instead of in hope and as each year passed I became a little more fearful that I had lost myself and would never be enough for anyone.  I spent many days searching and crying out both literally and figuratively.  In those moments I knew where to go for truth and encouragement, but in all honesty, just laying in bed feeling pitiful almost sounded like a better option.  {It was not.} .  The truth always lies in the Word of the One True God.  I will write it, sing it, read it, search for images that depict it on my phone to save to my iPhoto app, so I can read them and share them with others.  Here are some of my favorites, paraphrased, but referenced so you can read them in full yourself.

When I am weak he makes me strong (2 Corinthians 12:9-11).  

He has a plan for my life and it is not to hurt me...HIS plan is full of hope and a future! (Jeremiah 29:11).  

My hope is not in anything this world can give me; I am given a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ. (1 Peter 1:3).  

I have nothing to fear. (John 14:27)

Dwell with God constantly and find rest with him. (Psalm 91:1)

I am in a much better place now.  I have my weak moments, but I know that my worth comes from God and I am enough no matter what my career is today, tomorrow or five years from now.  I pray each morning and night with my children and I always pray aloud so they can hear me say "Dear God, please teach my children and help me to teach them to find their confidence in you and not in this world.  You have made them to do great things every single day."  This prayer applies to me and to you.  God created every single life to do great things in his name.  It is why we live each day...to love one another because he first loved us.  (1 John 4:19)

Joy So Slippery

Joy is slippery sometimes.  It can be hard to grasp but once you have it in your warm hands it is always hard to hold onto when life happens; life always happens.  It blows my mind how the people in my life, that bring me the most joy, are also the same people the devil uses to try and steal my joy every single day.  I am talking about my husband and all three of my kids.  {GASP, you know what I am talking about friend.}  I love them all with a fierce passion but when I am really battling life it only takes a few words, yells or a moment of misbehavior for my joy to slip from my hands and shatter on the hot concrete at my feet as anger spews from my mouth and tears sting my eyes.  It is in those moments that I can almost hear satan laughing at me because he won the round.  I have literally yelled at him in front of my kids...more than once, and cried out in the name of JESUS for satan to get away from us. 

Today was no different; it is Sunday and he always attacks me on Sunday.  What a douchebag.  I was constantly battling the devil as he tried to steal my joy from the moment I awakened from a night of restless sleep.  We were late to church, per usual, Gamechanger was that child at the grocery store which caused me to rush out as quickly as possible and forget to purchase two items.  The grilled chicken sandwich I had to order from a burger chain was disgusting so I spit out the first bite and still haven't eaten lunch.  It is dinnertime now.  I had discipline issues with the Cowboy on the culd-de-sac which required me to parent in a way I don't like to parent and the annoying creme de la creme came about as I was packaging my spotless, completely in tact OLD iPhone for return to Verizon. 

I took my OLD phone into the local Verizon store one week ago because it was acting possessed.  They took a few minutes to look at my spotless phone and decide to send me a NEW one via mail which was completely covered under warranty.  FANTASTIC NEWS!  All was well and I received excellent customer service.  Then today as I am packing the OLD phone for shipment to the warranty return center it slips from my arms, hits the ground and cracks the screen!  Do you even know what that means???  That means when I return it they will charge me $300 for sending back a damaged phone!  A phone that was completely spotless one hour ago.  I literally cried on the phone with the local Verizon Wireless lady and explained to her that my tears were not because of some stupid phone; my tears were a product of all the stress in life right now and this cracked iPhone was simply the straw that broke this tired woman's back. She was very nice and understanding and suggested I go get the screen replaced and then the phone is in great condition again and I can return it. I'll be adding an errand to my list tomorrow.

All this to say once again that joy is a slippery little booger.  I wake up every morning so thankful for His mercy and grace and the opportunity to seek and find joy in life.  Yet every. single. day. joy slips in and out of my grasp.  Do you know exactly how I feel?  Are you tired?  Stressed?  Overwhelmed?  Do you even recognize yourself anymore?  Do you feel lonely?  I know we all are, but some of us are better at covering up the struggles in life with smiley selfies on social media and rants about how amazing our life is while the rest of us are running around looking like a hot mess with a messy bun (that isn't inspired by a cute tutorial on Pinterest), screaming toddlers, disobedient adolescents and a cracked iPhone.  Join me today as I once again yell at the devil to get away from me, because I really want to hold onto my joy today in the name of Jesus.  Jesus.  Jesus.

"You believe that God is one; you do well.  Even the demons believe - and shudder."  James 2:19

"No one is like you, LORD; you are great, and your name is mighty in power."  Jeremiah 10:6

Claim Your Joy and Wash Away The Vomit

I had a plan for today and about 3 a.m. I threw it in the washing machine with a load of dirty bedding.  You see that is what happens when one of my children awakens me from a dead sleep to let me know he has just thrown up IN his bed.  He did a good job too, very thourough.  He made sure to leave a mark on every pillow, sheet, blanket and stuffed animal within a two foot radius of him.  It was messy and gross, but it's probably the 500th time in nine years of being called "Mommy" that I have cleaned up puke.  I wiped/picked up what I could with tissue, flushed that down the toilet, washed off and lysoled the stuffed animal, ripped all bedding off the bed, sent him to claim the vomit bucket and pulled the sleeping bag from the top bunk to the bottom bunk.  He was back in bed, all that nasty bedding was in the washer and I was back in bed in less than ten minutes.  

I planned to go to the gym today, because it is #legday after all, and I dreamed of stopping by the library for a new book to get lost in when I have quiet moments...which only happen in the bathroom lately; even those aren't so often to be completely honest.  (Children know when mommy is in the bathroom; they have radar).  I was relieved to awaken at 6:30 a.m. and no more puke.  #winning.  I think he is loving all the Netflix today because he was given full liberty to the media room in order to keep the baby from getting all up in his big brother's germ-infested business today.  Thankfully he has eaten and had water and kept it all down.  My oldest still had to be at school so we went into our normal routine of packing lunches and getting teeth and hair brushed.  Breakfast was cereal or cinnamon toast, except Gamechanger; he had both and didn't really eat either one.  I thought he had eaten his toast and I was so proud of him until I found it soaked in his grape juice and lying all sad and forgotten on my hardwood floors beneath the bar.  I wanted to snapchat the whole fiasco and send it to my friend Tamara, with whom I snapchat all my good mom-life episodes, but I just didn't take the time to do it.   I cleaned it up while the baby screamed at me for cleaning it up.  Good news is the oldest made it to school just two minutes past when I was supposed to have her there.  Hooray!

I have hairy legs, oily hair, haven't washed my face this morning or applied any makeup and I my eyebrows...oh my eyebrows.  I've been folding laundry and watching reruns of Sex And The City for hours now and I am still not finished.  This show is so addicting!  I can't stop and E! has it set up to immediately go into another episode as soon as one finishes.  Of all things, this show and You've Got Mail make me want to visit New York City so badly.  I'll have to be certain to pack a new box of freshly sharpened pencils though -thats one of my favorite lines from You've Got Mail.  The baby has played with play-doh, tickled with me, played educational and not-so-educational games on the ipad, watched Super Buddies and had ice cream and a PB&J.  He tried to knock down all my laundry because he considers my stacks to be "tow-uhs" and what else do you do with a tower but knock it down?!?  Gosh he is cute.  Now I have him locked in his room to take a nap b/c it's the only way since he learned to open the door and I refuse to spend any money on those plastic childproof doorknob covers.  I never had them with my first two and I refuse to give in now.  Thankfully he has two doors and one locks from the inside while the other locks from the outside so that I can easily get to him quickly without a key.  AND he doesn't know how to unlock the one from the inside or else he'd be climbing on me now as I type.  I'm in trouble when he does figure it out and lock me out of somewhere important.  (We all know it is bound to happen.)  I hope to go to the gym after Mr. GQ gets home from his new job but that means less time to spend with him and that makes me sad.  Today has not been the day I had planned, nor will this evening be the evening I had planned.

It's days like this I know that satan is trying as hard as he can to get under my skin and steal my joy.  He does come to steal, kill and destroy and not always tangible things.  "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.  I came that they may have life and have it abundantly."  John 10:10.  I believe he has a lot of fun destroying families and marriages, friendships and stealing our joy.  I absolutely hate and despise that he uses the people I love most in my life to make me angry or downtrodden or frustrated.  He tries to make me feel defeated and he always knows just where to hit me.  But I have a choice to make; and so do you.  We can let him steal our joy; we can fly off the handle and yell at the ones we love most and sit on the sofa eating chips and guacamole while watching Bravo or we can CHOOSE to claim our joy in all things.  All too often I feel anger heat up inside of me and then it spews forth from my mouth just like nasty fowl smelling vomit.  I yell and kick and throw things (usually in my closet or garage) and I call a trusted friend who also loves the LORD to listen to me let it all out.  Today I actually remained calm and carried on, as the t-shirt says.  I am so very thankful for the handsome, faithful husband and three sweet angels that I awakened to this morning.  The title of MOMMY has been my greatest accomplishment in life and one that I cherish daily, even on days when I don't act grateful or show my gratitude.  I chose today to accept that my schedule was not going to happen.  I didn't have anywhere pressing to be and I wasn't late for a plane.  I had a lot of laundry to fold and I still have to finish.  This is the perfect time to do it.  Hopefully I also go for the gold star and put the laundry away.

"But the Fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control; against such things there is no law.  And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.  If we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.  Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another."  Galations 5:22-25

BLESSED

As I type this post my husband of twelve years, this very day, is on the roof of our house.  Our very tall house.  He is hanging Christmas lights that are certain to elicit squeals of delight from the three little hooligans we are honored to call our own {and perhaps a few squeals from his doting and fiercely beautiful wife}. Today is our anniversary and it is the inspiration for my top in the pic above.  I am blessed.  Blessed beyond measure by the loving kindness of the One True God who created a man so perfect for me I didn't even imagine he could exist.  My husband, Mr. GQ, far exceeds anything I had hoped for in a spouse.  He loves me unconditionally, and that says a lot because I come with an ocean of conditions...worry, fear, anxiety, stress, nervous habits, emotional outbursts, a million "best ideas ever!"  I am bossy, arrogant, curious, lazy bones, I loathe laundry and dirty dishes to the point that I rarely do them on time.  I laugh in movies when no one else does, I cry during Extra gum commercials and I sit at home waiting on his phone calls everyday. 

I love his smile, his muscles, his work ethic, his passion for being the best daddy ever, the way he laughs at the crude bathroom humor in movies like he is a 13 year old boy.  I love that he can read me like a book and knows my thoughts just by looking at me, although that doesn't help me at all when I attempt to have a poker face.  Apparently I would suck at poker.   {I've got a full house...I've got a full house...I'VE GOT A FULL HOUUUUUSE!!! Keep cool Jenna. Don't let anyone know.  Right. Uh-huh.}. I love that he still plays team sports because he thrives in competition but he is always most competitive against himself. He doesn't talk a lot but when he does I listen because I usually like to hear what he has to say.  He prays with me, studies the word with me, takes our family to church regularly and is a godly father to our kiddos.  He is logical, thoughtful and faithful. All good "fuls" if you ask me.  I still get butterflies when he comes home from work because I hope I take his breath away in the same way he steals mine.  

There are lots other things I'd love to share but those memories and thoughts are mine and his.  They are precious and irreplaceable and none of your business.  Everyday I spend as his wife, no matter where God takes us in this crazy life, is blessed.  Happy 12 years Mr. GQ. 

Happy #12yearsmarried Handsome.  

Beauty From Ashes

I am part of a generation of children who come from families broken by divorce. I'm one of those children.  So is my husband.  It was painful then…somedays it's painful now, over twenty years later.  I think about it more often than anyone who hasn't been the child affected by divorce would expect.   Using the term "broken family" may be offensive to some of the parents who choose divorce…even my own, but from my personal experience…it's the perfect term.  This world causes brokenness…but hope is found in the truth that the One True God brings healing.  I love the family that I have now.  I love my step-father, my step-sisters {whom I always refer to as my sisters and feel wrong referring to them as anything else} and I adore every  one of my nieces and the lone 6 foot three inch nephew I have gained because of God's grace.

Divorce happens to good people; people who love the Lord and people who attend church.  They may serve the Lord in various capacities in and out of church.   But, all of these good things don't make their marriage immune to the evil of this world and the lion who seeks to steal, kill and destroy, and not a day goes by that I don't look at my own husband and children and pray for God to protect us.  I read articles, devotionals, scripture, listen to praise music, and initiate really uncomfortable conversations with my husband about transparency, trust, commitment and love languages, because I don't want us to be broken.  We've only been married for eleven years and I pray we have many more decades ahead of us so that we can leave a legacy of true covenant love for our children and grandchildren,  a legacy that is few and far between in this culture.  But to accomplish that the most important thing I have learned in our eleven years is that a covenant marriage takes constant work.  It is living and breathing just like me and my sweet husband and it can transition from vivacious to feeble very quickly.  Here is a list of ways to strengthen and arm your marriage to defend itself against the arrows of this fallen world:

1. The Wise Couple Builds Their House On The Rock.  As believers we are instructed that our marriage ought to mirror the relationship between Jesus Christ and the church.  I tell my children to never try to be like anyone else in this world, not even me, only strive to be like Jesus and the same principle applies to marriage.  Strive to be like Christ and his bride.   Attend church together regularly.  {Hold hands while you sit in that pew each Sunday or whatever day you attend.}  Begin and end each day in prayer together and pray in between whenever you feel the need.  Memorize scripture together so that you each hide God's word in your hearts.  Study the word together as a team.  Husbands, lead.  Wives, follow.  "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.a 28In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30because we are members of his body. 31“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."  Ephesians 5:25-33
2. Exemplify Fruits Of The Spirit To Each Other.  "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.  Against such things there is no law."  Galations 5:22-23  All of these gifts are not something we are born knowing…they are all learned and adopted as we, followers of Jesus, grow in the Word and our relationship with God and each gift is relevant to the way we show love to our spouse.  The spiritual gift passage echoes this popular wedding passage from 1 Corinthians, " Love is patient, love is kind.  it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
3. HONOR your spouse.  This means you choose them first, even when they are not with you.  You show him/her the utmost consideration at all times.  Let's say you are at a work retreat when a male co-worker invites you to the bar for drinks or out to lunch {not with a large group}.  Completely innocent; nothing more.  Just friends.  Stop and ASK YOURSELF:  "Does being at a bar or lunch with another man honor my husband? " As your friend I say no, it does not.  Say no, go find another woman to hang out with or go back to your room and watch a good movie!  By choosing to spend time with someone of the opposite sex you are opening the door to temptation in the future to kindle a friendship with another man which may lend itself to a deeper relationship eventually.  HONOR your spouse.  {NOTE:  I understand that interaction with other men in life, especially at work, is inevitable, but be smart.  Have meetings in your office, never close the door, don't meet to discuss business over drinks or a quaint lunch because you turn the meeting into something much more personal and risk the chance that conversation will turn to things not work related.  You ought never vent or share personal topics with a man that isn't your husband.  This applies to housewives too.  Stay away from men at the gym, at church, at your running club.}  My husband and I have an agreement; no lunches, dinners, drinks, coffee…nada with people of the opposite sex.  There have been times when this had to be amended; like when I was running my social media marketing business and I had to meet a male client for lunch b/c I did not have an office within which to meet.  {I worked from home}, so I told my husband ahead of time and I chose a place where a lot of people knew me, we met for lunch, not drinks, {alcohol + opposite sexes = more chances for bad choices you may not otherwise make} and I made sure I was dressed modestly to not send the wrong impression.  It gave me accountability and I was truthful with my husband BEFORE the meeting.
4. Trust is based on TRUTH.  Be 100% painfully transparent with your spouse and you will both be thankful in the long haul.  If you find yourself texting another man other than your spouse, stop it.  Perhaps it is completely innocent and there is not flirting involved (at first) but it still isn't right because you are getting to know another man; thus kindling a relationship with a man other than your husband.  Save your texts for your husband and let the other man save his texts for his wife.  If you look forward to seeing another man other than your spouse, change your routine.   If someone makes you feel special and gives you a spark inside other than your spouse…RUN AWAY.  And above all, tell your spouse everything.  I know, that conversation is going to suck…big  sour lemons, but as long as you lead with love and kindness you will come out the other side stronger.  Complete transparency is crucial.  Never delete messages or pictures from your phone because you fear your husband/wife may find them.  That is a clear sign they should never be there in the first place.  Your spouse will respect you for being truthful.  Your spouse should be able to read your phone at any minute without you being afraid..  If you have already hurt your spouse in the past then have faith that forgiveness will be given and trust will come again in time.  Forgiveness is to be given when asked of you, but trust is something that is built over time.
5. Make Sex a Priority.  I did…I typed the word S-E-X.  {All my fellow Baptist girlfriends are freaking out and praying for me about now.  Sarcasm ladies.  I love you.  You love me.}  Sex was created by God and given to us as a gift and it is meant to be shared often between a husband and wife.  I don't know why, but over the years I have had many women come to me to discuss being unfulfilled in their intimacy and it has always been because their husband is not considerate of them in the bedroom and so they'd rather just not have sex at all.  Men obviously think about sex often that is why our society is obsessed with it, but I feel like there is this false belief that women just don't care.  Like we could do without it.  That is not true.  We think about it as well because that intimate connection affirms our love to our spouse.  It is the ultimate act of sharing ourselves with our husbands.  If you don't feel loved between the sheets then your husband may not be considering you.  Just like any other area in life ladies, we need our husband's consideration in the bedroom too.  He is probably oblivious that you don't feel loved during intimacy, men don't think like us, you have to tell him.  Make him listen to your feelings, but speak them in the kindest most gentle way possible because you don't want to offend his manhood.  Don't push him away…ask him to hold you tighter, melt into his arms.  When hard times come don't stop sharing yourself with him because sometimes that will be the only time you feel connected to him.

You see, just because this world and the generations before me were broken, that doesn't mean that I have to accept that for my own marriage.  Jehova Ropha, the LORD our healer is here to mend the wounds of the past, restore the broken and create beauty from ashes.  

"1The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor;a
he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;b
2to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor,
and the day of vengeance of our God;
to comfort all who mourn;
3to grant to those who mourn in Zion—
to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.c
4They shall build up the ancient ruins;
they shall raise up the former devastations;
they shall repair the ruined cities,
the devastations of many generations." 

Isaiah 61:1-4

Things I Don't Understand

There are many things in this fallen disastrous world that I do not understand.  

Human Trafficking of men, women…especially children

Children being raped and killed

Children being murdered by their parents and guardians

Children being beaten while someone videotapes it and then posts it on the internet...

This summer alone I have seen two videos shared on Facebook of children being beaten by what I assume is their parent and the purpose of the video is to get me to share it and get more people aware of what is going on, but I don't know where this baby is!  I don't know how to save HIM…the one right there on the screen!  

One video was a four or five year old little boy being beaten in his living room by his father while a woman (I assume his mother watched and videoed).  The second was today and it was a baby about a year old being beaten by a woman as she appears to be trying to get the baby to sleep on a mattress.  Everytime the baby moved and even sometimes when he laid perfectly still and cried {while in the fetal position} she hit him with her hand, pinched him, beat him with a pillow, kicked him with her foot, grabbed him by the face and threw him…I watched about half of it before I couldn't take anymore and was jumping between sobbing, screaming at the computer and wanting to vomit.  

How do I help?  How do I reach through the screen and snatch that baby from that mattress and bring him to my home because I will be his mommy.  I will smother him with kisses and rock him to sleep each night.  

How is it that I, a devout follower of Jesus, watch these videos, get angry and emotional and then get all wrapped up in my sweet Christian American life?  I pray immediately.  I pray when I think of them.  Prayer is our greatest weapon against the devil and his evil schemes.  The thing is I feel helpless because I can't go save the babies I see on my computer.  I don't know where to start… these children can't be adopted.  They aren't in an orphanage waiting on me…they have parents…BAD parents.  They aren't only across the world in foreign countries…they are down the street…in my village…at my church…I see them at the store, on the greenbelts, in school beside my own kids.  They are all around us silently hurting.  How do I help them?

I have no answer to this.  I just knew I needed to get these words down somewhere and this is my paper and pen.  I ran to God.  I prayed…I found scripture but still I sit here feeling helpless and spoiled because of the life I have here.

"Children are a gift from the Lord."  Psalm 127:3

"Teach children how they should live and they will remember it all their lives."  Proverbs 22:6

"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."  Ephesians 6:4

Mommy Tantrums

Yesterday/last night I did it; I pitched a mommy tantrum.  I was filled with anger, disappointment, frustration, self-pity and completely ignored every inclination I had to see the good, excellent, praiseworthy, truth in my situation.  I was selfish.  It took hours before I stepped outside, breathed some fresh God-created air and my spirit changed…instantly.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."  Philippians 4:8

We (as in Mr. GQ and I sans los hijos) were invited to the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo BBQ Cookoff last night with a couple of friends.  {A little backstory}:  If you don't live in Houston then you may not fully comprehend just how big and fun the cookoff can be (if you have friends with a tent), especially on Thursday night when the public is not allowed in yet.  It's live country music playing in each tent with dance floors begging you to two-step and plate after plate of delicious Texas BBQ.  I have a fondness for the event because as a native Houstonian I have been attending it since age 12.  My dad was on a cookteam for over a decade and a committeeman at HLSR for just as long so for three weeks in Feb/Mar I burned up the roads between my hometown suburb and Kirby Drive.    

When our friends asked us to attend this week I felt the spark of excitement deep down inside of me.  I don't exactly get offered a break such as this from my duties at home as a mother of three and wife to my sweet husband very often.  It all hinged on finding a babysitter and my dad, bless his huge PawPaw heart, agreed.  He game down at 5 p.m. to watch the grandkids; now you must know that my dad is a single man and an awesome grandpa.  He comes here without any help from a wife and keeps my kids regularly so that I can run errands, get my haircut, go to school parties, or just to visit with us.  But putting a teething and attached baby to sleep at bedtime is a whole other ballgame.  I could tell he was intimidated by the little 15 pound booger attached to my hip and crying anytime I left the room.  This grandkid sitting job was not going to be easy.

My patience was already thin and I had already spent the afternoon yelling at the kids for not remembering to "listen and obey" before the evening ever arrived.  I had never stopped to pray for myself or my attitude.  All that I had done was yell.  a lot.  When dad arrived I had still not showered, had on no makeup and hadn't picked out an outfit.  BUT, dinner was ready, dishes were done and laundry was put away.  My husband called at 5:30 and he was still at work.  Our plans to leave at 5:30 were not falling into place and I was immediately angry.  I got on the phone with my husband and my mouth exploded.  

"Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!"  Psalm 141:3

I failed.

At about 7 p.m. after a mommy tantrum that had lasted two hours and a path of angry destruction that was aimed at my three little angels, I stepped outside to see my dad out to his truck and that is when I finally took the time to be quiet and listen to the Lord.  His spirit washed over me like fresh water as soon as the cool air touched my skin.  I felt it.  I was wrong. YES, I NEED a break.  I NEED to get dressed up and put on makeup and hangout with adults on occasion without having to parent at the same time.  Mr. GQ and I NEED dates out of the house together, but last night was not the night and I needed to surrender.  I needed to look into my satchel of fruits and pull out self control for a big bite and I needed to be an example to my children of how to act when you don't get your way.  

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience; kindness, goodness, faithfulness; against such things there is no law." Galations 5:22-23

 This morning I wake up thankful {like every other morning} that God's mercy is new and he is offering it to me because HE loves me so much.  I pray that I will do the same today for the people in my life today.  I pray that I reflect on yesterday and choose to spend this day exerting self control to keep a guard at my mouth and show my children what it means to live a life full of fruits of the spirit and focusing on the attributes of God.  I sing this song with the kids some mornings and it is just as much for me as it is for them.  "This is the day the Lord has made.  Let us rejoice and be glad in it."

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."  Lamentations 3:22,23

Not So Quiet Time

“You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up [in the MORNING].” — Deuteronomy 6:7

It's time to get real about my quiet time.  {And let it be noted that I believe God wants us to be nothing but REAL with Him and with each other so if you are here to pass judgement then please click on down the lane.}

My quiet time is nonexistent.  Having a quiet time is hard with three kiddos, especially when at least one of them is in public school and has to be there before 8 a.m.  That means my mornings are already filled with waking children who are not morning people, fixing breakfast for them and a bottle for a baby (who can't hold it and feed himself yet), get them dressed, teeth brushed, hair combed and fixed, lunches packed, backpacks stuffed, shoes on feet and out the door BEFORE 8 a.m.  It's tedious work.  Here I sit at 9:14, up since 6 a.m. and still haven't had time to make my five egg whites yet {which is totally against my meal plan instruction to eat within an hour of waking}.  I'll say it again…having a quiet time is hard.  BUT it is necessary to the life of a follower of Jesus and I NEED it, I CRAVE it. 

I have been a failure at quiet time ever since the baby was born seven months ago.  I see all these other women talking about how glorious their time with the Lord was this morning and I wonder to myself "where are the other moms like me who are struggling to fit it all in and are willing to say it out loud???"  So for those of you who are like me and just don't want to admit it out loud I am here to tell you it is OKAY to admit you suck at daily quiet time and you want to be better.  I WILL NOT JUDGE YOU.  In fact we can find joy in our failure together and then make a conscious effort to turn our failure into flourish.  We know from scripture the importance of spending quality time with the Lord and I truly believe that He designed the beauty and quiet of each morning so that we would be drawn to him at the beginning of each day.  But lately my time is sporadic and never in the morning.  Most days it is a chorus of praise in the kitchen or in the car.  A sprinkling of scripture from a devotional email in between folding laundry and cleaning up another mess. BUT, I do pray all.day.long.  I think that becomes the norm when you give birth to your first child and it just grows from that day forward.  Moms have a lot to pray about you see.  

“Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every MORNING… ” — Lamentations 3:22-23

I do want to rise up in the morning when his mercies are new (thank you Lord, because I need your mercy each day) and spend time with him and reading his word even if it starts with a  short five minute devotion and dedicated prayer time.  Soooo... I am posting it here so you can all read it.  Accountability is crucial to a faithful walk and that is what this is ladies.  {Say it with me} ACCOUNT-A-BIL-I-TY.  I currently have a stack of devotionals on my nightstand and I am working sloooooooowly through Unglued by Lysa TerKeurst.  {This is actually my second time in seven months to start it.}  I hope that this post makes me speed things up a little.  Than I will be moving on to The Strong Willed Child by James Dobson and finally The Four Seasons of Marriage by Gary Chapman.  So go ahead, find joy in your failure and then turn around and join me.  His mercy is new right now…and it will be new again tomorrow…in the morning.